Thursday, October 2, 2008

depression


Okay, this is a serious subject, but I do not want you to be concerned. I am dealing with things through my doctor...and it is easier to make fun of it than to be serious about it, but I know that depression is a BIG deal.

I sit withmyself way too much lately, you know what I mean? I get inside my head thinking about all the shit that is going on in my life and sometimes it is hard to snap out of it. I want to tell everyone how I REALLY feel, but I am scared that I am giving up and not working on the problem. Marriage is hard. I could write about how much easier my life would be if I moved back to Illinois- the fact is that I have WAY more people that care and are supportive in Illinois than I do in Minnesota where I have lived for 10 years! Then I talk to Stephanie, my very best friend, and she talks to me about not giving up on my marraige, it is easy to walk away, but the reality is that shit sucks in my life right now, a new house did not fix anything. It is just a new house. I still have MS. I still have more medical bills than most people. I have 3 beautiful little kids that are absolutely the reason that I live. I cannot give up on the marraige because of them! I need them to know that I am not going to give up on my committment to their dad. I cannot ever imagine what is like to married to ME. I know Terry has a tough job being married to a person that not only cannot work, but has a lot of medical needs, and is lonely and homesick for a place that I have not lived in for 10 years. I guess you could call me high maintenance in a lot of weighs, not in that prissy, needing everything I ever wanted kind of way. But I am high-maintenance in a medical, need a hug everyday kind of way.

I am depressed, I do not know that my Zoloft is helping anymore. I know that one of the major side-effects from Tysabri is depression. I know that there is a huge likelihood of depression after a person has been diagnosed with a terminal disease. I know that one of the sypmtoms of multiple sclerosis is depression. I know that once you have medical bills stacked up - it is pretty easy to get depressed. I know when you live far away from the people that really care about you it is easy to become depressed. I am aware of all of these things, but it is hard. I feel like it is all my fault- all of these problems that my family is having. If I was never diagnosed with MS - I could still be working full time and making money for our family. If I was never diagnosed with MS we would never have all the medical bills that we have.


Okay, I sound pretty pathetic...again I don't want anyone to be concerned for me...I talked to my doctor about this whole situation this morning and he is helping me deal.



I am sorry that I use this blog to vent- I do not have anyone to listen to me but I can always type on the computer!!

be good

3 comments:

LISA EMRICH said...

Kimmy,

I have struggled with depression for many years, and I have MS. I understand a bit what you are going through right now. I'm so sorry, it really sucks.

A couple of years ago my depression got much worse. We decided to up my Zoloft to 250mg daily (yes, the standard upper limit is 200mg, but 250mg is safe). If that didn't help, then we were going to try adding a second anti-depressant. I am aware of other MS folks who also take more than one anti-depressant.

I write at Health Central where there is a really supportive group of MSers. Here's my Profile. I also blog at Brass and Ivory where you can check my blogroll for many other MS Bloggers.

Just know that you are not alone in this.

Travis and Rachel said...

You are pretty AweSome!! Life sure throws us some curve balls!!!

Herrad said...

Hello Kimmy,

You are doing wonderfully well.
Take it easy.
Keep warm and cheerful.

Love,

Herrad