Monday, October 27, 2008

mud puddle mind

My MS is bothering me a lot today.  My hands feel like they are going to buzz right off my arms. My brain is like a big old mud puddle, I can think clearly.  I have so many things to get done and I cannot prioritize any of it.  I need to change a diaper, but I get distracted by the laundry. I need to make that phone call to the doctor, but I get caught up with playing on the computer.  I need to do some homework, but I just cannot stay awake long enough.  I have a husband, but since he works outside of the house, he gets to come home and fall asleep....and sleep until he goes to work in the morning. Seriously, I think he has narcalepsy or something.  He has been asleep since 545PM and it is going on 1030PM. He will not wake to help me bathe the kids, put them to sleep, do the dishes, take the garbage out, nothing.  It really pisses me off.  I mean, I work hard all day long too, but since I do not make a paycheck, I don't have the right to take a nap. I am really mad at him.
You would think that your husband would come home and play with the kids so that you could have some time "off"...but Terry said to me tonight, when I asked him for some help, "I have not sat down at all today."  Oh, well, please sit, sit until you are totally refreshed honey.  I will continue doing everything, even though I cannot feel my fingers or my feet.  Even though I need to take Ritalin to stay a wake. Even though I asked you to pick up my medicine at the drugstore on your way home, and you forgot.  
I did do something funny today- my brother emailed me this link to make me laugh, which it did.  
Hilarious isn't it? Actually, not too far from the truth - back in 1994 I had some bangs and they were BIG!
I am done, I am gonna watch the rest of Freaks and Geeks, take some Trazadone.

be good

Thursday, October 2, 2008


Okay, this is a serious subject, but I do not want you to be concerned. I am dealing with things through my doctor...and it is easier to make fun of it than to be serious about it, but I know that depression is a BIG deal.

I sit withmyself way too much lately, you know what I mean? I get inside my head thinking about all the shit that is going on in my life and sometimes it is hard to snap out of it. I want to tell everyone how I REALLY feel, but I am scared that I am giving up and not working on the problem. Marriage is hard. I could write about how much easier my life would be if I moved back to Illinois- the fact is that I have WAY more people that care and are supportive in Illinois than I do in Minnesota where I have lived for 10 years! Then I talk to Stephanie, my very best friend, and she talks to me about not giving up on my marraige, it is easy to walk away, but the reality is that shit sucks in my life right now, a new house did not fix anything. It is just a new house. I still have MS. I still have more medical bills than most people. I have 3 beautiful little kids that are absolutely the reason that I live. I cannot give up on the marraige because of them! I need them to know that I am not going to give up on my committment to their dad. I cannot ever imagine what is like to married to ME. I know Terry has a tough job being married to a person that not only cannot work, but has a lot of medical needs, and is lonely and homesick for a place that I have not lived in for 10 years. I guess you could call me high maintenance in a lot of weighs, not in that prissy, needing everything I ever wanted kind of way. But I am high-maintenance in a medical, need a hug everyday kind of way.

I am depressed, I do not know that my Zoloft is helping anymore. I know that one of the major side-effects from Tysabri is depression. I know that there is a huge likelihood of depression after a person has been diagnosed with a terminal disease. I know that one of the sypmtoms of multiple sclerosis is depression. I know that once you have medical bills stacked up - it is pretty easy to get depressed. I know when you live far away from the people that really care about you it is easy to become depressed. I am aware of all of these things, but it is hard. I feel like it is all my fault- all of these problems that my family is having. If I was never diagnosed with MS - I could still be working full time and making money for our family. If I was never diagnosed with MS we would never have all the medical bills that we have.

Okay, I sound pretty pathetic...again I don't want anyone to be concerned for me...I talked to my doctor about this whole situation this morning and he is helping me deal.

I am sorry that I use this blog to vent- I do not have anyone to listen to me but I can always type on the computer!!

be good