Proud of myself

Today marks a very important anniversary - one that I work on everyday single day. I have 9 years of sobriety as of today. I started treatment at Chrysalis on September 23, 1999. Chrysalis is an amazing center for treating women with different conditions, primarily alcohol and substance addictions.


To say that I have grown up in thes 9 years is an understatement. I still have plenty to learn. Sobriety was something that nobody else could give to me or do for me. Sobriety is a gift to myself and most importantly my children. I would have never had children if I would have continued being so self-absorbed. Honestly, I probably would have never gotten married. I was really reckless, and I did not care about myself or anyone else. I am lucky to come out of these nine years retaining friends that I have had throughout the years. I have done things that I am not proud of, but I live now focused on making my friends, fmaily and most of all, my children proud of the PERSON that I am. I am not great at being a friend, sometimes I do not return calls, or respond to emails...I am always trying to keep up and I am always falling short. I spend too much time knitting, not enough time on my homework. I spend too much time playing, and not enough time telling my friends (Stephanie, Jill, Kate, Amber,mom,etc...) that I appreciate them so much.


So I celebrate my day today by baking myself one hell of a cake! And making a huge pan of lasagna! And completing my homework to get me one step closer to getting my degree in psychology so that I can become a counselor to help other women become sober and gain power over their lives.

So that picture of Cooper is on here to give a *KISS* to each of you that gives me strength, makes me smile, gives me hope, lets me cry, lets me remember all the great things we did in the past, and allows me to be a part of your lives after all of these years. Thank you for being part of my sobriety. I cannot imagine life without you.

be good

long week

It has been a long week. I have had lots of homework to catchup on, lots of unpacking left to do, Lucy started preschool at her NEW preschool, we have had a lot of other things going on- just enough to make me feel like I am going to lose it at any moment.
I got through it though- one day at a time, fighting the little battles. I think that my MS is on the bad end of normal right now- and I am sure that it is due to the stress of the new house and new medication. I had the joy of having that damn colonoscopy last week...and as my luck would have it, I had the HOTTEST colonoscopy doctor EVER. When he walked in the room, I said, "Can you please get an ugly doctor, this one is too cute to be dealing with my colon." As professional as he could be, he said something like, "Don not worry you wont remember a thing," To which I responded, "I do not want to forget someone as cute as you!" and then I think they knocked me out.
13 biopsies later, they found no reason why I have been so sick.

So Monday I go in for my 2nd dose of Tysabri...I am not sure how happy I am about that, I feel a little hopeless about my MS.

I am in a funk right now, I am aware of it - things have been pretty tough around here. I went to school with Lucy today for her preschool screening. The person who was doing the testing brought me into the office to go over the results and she asked if I had any concerns because they thought that Lucy was doing great. I told her about the medical situation, that Lucy has been the person that is taking the best care of me, I told her about Lucy witnessing the guy attack me and Ford in our backyard in Minneapolis and how she still has nightmares about that...the woman asked if she could hug me - and I completely fell apart. I think that it was the first time that someone has hugged me, without me initiating it. My kids hug me all day long, not to say that their hugs are less important, but to have an adult reach out to me really touched me. Terry is not affectionate and I wish that he was. It is hard to go through what I am dealing with on a daily basis and not have someone reach out and WANT to touch me or hug me. A hug really makes a bad day feel better, for me at least.

I am not trying to feel sorry for myself, but I think I am allowed to vent (especially on a keyboard) moving to this new town, I do not know anyone! I feel like I am getting to vent when I use this blog. Lord knows that my husband will never be reading this.

I met a really nice couple today that live in town and they actually gave me their phone # so we could get together. That was a really good part of my day. I am feeling isolated and I hate that my source of connections with people are the people that work in the hospital that I get treatments at.

Garage Sale tomorrow- I want everything in my house sold- I want to start fresh!

Idea* (pay attention people, I don't get good ideas but every once in a while) WHY DON'T WE REGISTER FOR GIFTS FOR AFTER WE HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR A WHILE- i HATE THE THINGS THAT i CHOSE WHEN i GOT MARRIED. I WANT NEW THINGS- NEW POTS AND PANS, NEW TOWELS, SHEETS THAT MY KIDS HAVE NOT THROWN UP ON! I SHOULD START A NEW TREND- AN EIGHT YEAR ANNIVERSARY REGISTRY FOR HOUSEHOLD GIFTS.
I know that sounds greedy- but I did not know what I doing when I got married, I jsut did what the wedding magazines tell you to do- start a registry. I had no clue- I still don't.

I have a million things to get to befire my garage sale tomorrow- I you're going to be in the Big Lake area tomorrow - make sure you stop by! I have a 3 car garage FULL of things for sale!

be good everyone-